


Emo Angel

by steeleye1



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Confused Castiel, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 05:31:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10915317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steeleye1/pseuds/steeleye1
Summary: So this is the premises, Cas is sitting in his truck listening to the radio while he waits for the Winchesters to show up for some random hunt that was not part of the show.  "Sad Lisa" by Cat Stevens comes on and he recognizes it as a song he's heard before and this is a stream of consciousness from Cas as the song plays.





	Emo Angel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mugglerock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mugglerock/gifts), [Elizabeth1985](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elizabeth1985/gifts).



> We don't know when Dean made that mix tape for Cas but I'm going to go out on a limb and assert it was after 12x12 _Stuck in the Middle (With You)_. This story takes place after that and before 12x15 _Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell_ .
> 
> Here is a link to the song if you need a refresher:  
> <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mn9cEJjJZE>
> 
> Thank you to my beta  
> [Elizabeth1985](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elizabeth1985/pseuds/Elizabeth1985)
> 
> This is my very first Fan Fic
> 
> =======================================================

Sitting in the truck waiting for the Winchesters to arrive, Castiel listens to the soft, melodic music floating around him...

_She hangs her head and cries on my shirt_

Since his release from the institution, he finds that he’s been more fascinated by music. Not that he was particularly fascinated before but any sound wave is worth paying attention to, as sound itself _is_ the original Word. Of course, he has listened to the music Dean likes but he finds other music seems to touch him more deeply. Thinking about starry nights and daffodils…

_She must be hurt very badly_

Listening to the sorrowful voice wafting out of the speakers, a man telling a story about a sad woman; Cas wonders if the man was in love with this woman. It sounded like he could be…

_Tell me what’s making you sad, Li?_

He’s heard this song before, he realizes. Once he found the “oldies” station he discovered that he actually preferred this station to the others; the voices were quieter and relaxed. Although, he still didn’t understand why it was called “oldies”.

_Open your door, don’t hide in the dark_

There was nothing particularly old about this music. It had only been written maybe 40 to 50 years ago and, well, in the grand scheme of things, that’s just not that old. But he understands that time is relative. And humans have a vastly different scale of time than angels.

_You’re lost in the dark, you can trust me_

He remembers being human. He can’t say that it’s a particularly fond memory. He remembers feeling ‘lost in the dark’. At least, he thinks the drifting sadness of self-doubt, anguish and fear that he felt is what the feline man means when he says ‘lost in the dark’. But he can’t be positive. There is still much about human emotion he does not understand.

_‘Cause you know that’s how it must be_

His brethren would tell him that he was wasting his time and energy trying to understand humans and their emotions. But having been human once he thinks there is something important to learn here . And besides time is relative after all…

_Lisa Lisa, sad Lisa Lisa_

Who is this woman, this… Lisa? He thinks about the woman who Dean had stayed with for a year. She and her son, they’d made Dean happy; an emotion that Dean has experienced very little of. Castiel doesn’t think she—Dean’s Lisa— was ‘lost in the dark’ at least it didn’t seem that way.

_Her eyes like windows, trickle in rain_

Ah, yes, more metaphors. A concept he still struggles with. He’s pretty sure Metatron never had trouble with metaphors, so perhaps it’s some sort of defect in his code or a 'crack in his chassis' that causes him confusion. The other angels, he’s pretty sure they don’t care about metaphors; they don’t care about understanding these ‘naked apes’, most beloved of God’s creation. How could they not?

_Upon the pain getting deeper_

Reflecting on his own resurrections, punishments he is sure, he wonders if it’s possible that perhaps being resurrected might have caused errors to creep into his code. But he never really understood metaphors even before he took a vessel. Now, however, it bothers him quite a bit that he doesn’t. Resurrections are worse every time.

_Though my love wants to relieve her_

Ah, maybe this feline man, Cat, is in love with this woman. Or perhaps he simply loves her. Cas is learning that there is an important difference. Apparently, someone can ‘love’ another but not be ‘in love’. Another concept he struggles with. He doesn’t think he’s ever been ‘in love’. He’s pretty sure angels don’t have the code for that. And, well, would he even know if he had or was for that matter. What does love feel like after all?

_She walks alone from wall to wall_

He wonders why she’s alone. Suddenly Cas feels his heart squeeze. He knows his heart isn’t actually ‘squeezing’ and yet that’s how it feels. What an odd, unpleasant sensation. Noticing the discomfort only as the sensation begins to recede. He knows that he does feel alone and wonders if that could have anything to do with the physiological reaction he seemed to have when that line was sung.

_Lost in her hall, she can’t hear me_

Cas knows what it feels like to not be heard. His Father never hears him, it seems. He’s made so many mistakes. Always asking for guidance. Well, he used to, but not as much anymore. These days it only takes him a moment to remember that Chuck left. Castiel wonders where He and his sister went or maybe when they went. Time being relative.

_Though I know she likes to be near me_

He likes being near Dean. He’s not sure why, exactly, other than the ‘profound bond’ they share. At least that’s how he’d explained it to Sam. Probably because he raised Dean from perdition; though he’d been too late to prevent the breaking of the first seal. And how could he have been ‘too late’? ‘Too late’ suggested time was linear. Yet he knew it wasn’t.

_Lisa Lisa, sad Lisa Lisa_

Then he was charged with protecting Dean, by God himself. He’d thought by God anyway but at this point he can’t really be sure. Dean has grown into a habit, familiar; another human trait, strange.

_She sits in a corner by the door_

Continuing to let the sad tune wash over him, Cas sits up looks around hoping to see the Impala. Nothing. ‘Familiar’ another interesting word. In English based on the word ‘family’. Dean told him many times he was part of their family. What does it mean to be part of a family? Were the angels a family?

_There must be more I can tell her_

Cas doesn’t think so, even though they’ve called themselves ‘brothers’. Dean would die for his brother, even more would he trade his soul for his brother. Cas is sure angels would not do those things for their brethren. He surely didn’t. He ultimately killed many of the angels who sided with Raphael.

_If she really wants me to help her_

He wants to help Dean, he thinks he wants to help Dean. Maybe that’s part of his programming. He feels like the way to help Dean is to keep him safe, away from danger. He does not think of Dean as one of his soldiers. A pawn to use in battle. The last thing Cas is willing to do is to sacrifice Dean. And that’s curious isn’t it?

_I’ll do what I can to show her the way_

Dean showed him what it is to be human. No, he wasn’t a hammer, clearly not a scalpel either… For all of the ‘free will’ he has exercised, Castiel has made many mistakes. Keeps making mistakes, in fact.

_And maybe one day I will free her_

If Lisa is a prisoner maybe this cat-man does not love her. Who would keep a loved one prisoner? To some extent he supposes he is Dean’s prisoner. Maybe that’s why he stays away. Cas is aware that when he’s around Dean his decision making skills become muddied. Why? 

_Though I know no one can see her_

Hmm, perhaps she is a figment of his imagination…

_Lisa Lisa, sad Lisa Lisa_

Even though the song is emotionally exhausting Cas feels a bit better when it draws to an end. He also feels quite certain that this man, Cat Stevens, does not truly love Lisa. It’s just a feeling. 

Feelings; still so foreign. This is what it must mean to experience catharsis. He thinks so, anyhow.  
Maybe he should make Dean a mix tape. Even though he knows Dean prefers “classic rock”. 

And honestly, Castiel’s not sure what’s classic about it...


End file.
